What If I Don’t Want to Fa-La-La-La-La?

by Deborah Dobbs, MA

Here’s an unpopular holiday topic: Grief and its seemingly endless list of symptoms.
We tend to think of grief as a response to the death of a loved one, but grief is born out of many types of losses — from divorce to addiction to unrealized hopes and dreams. Even separations due to relocations and deployments ignite grief.

One source of grief I hear with increasing frequency is estrangements within families. More and more young adults are cutting off their parents or their siblings. Depending on the study, 25% – 30% of Americans are estranged from a family member. The reasons include political differences, mismatched expectations and emotional abuse. Whatever the reason, grief from estrangement is especially painful, even traumatic.

In A Grief Observed C.S. Lewis wrote, “Grief is like the sky. It covers everything,” and he was describing how it feels on an average day. The holiday season can shine a spotlight on suffering. If you’re facing your first holiday without a loved one, the grief can be compounded further by the unknowns.

The things that trigger our symptoms of grief are as varied as the symptoms themselves. The empty chair at the dining table, the For Sale sign in front of our childhood home, a memory that pops up on Facebook, a song, a scent.

How Can We Celebrate the Holiday Season While Grieving?

The pain is inevitable and an article with advice won’t put our grief on pause. However, the tips below have been helpful for many of the bereaved, including me.

Feel all the feels. There is no quota on tears. You might shed none, or you might shed enough to fill buckets. Cry when you’re sad, yell when you’re angry, laugh out loud when you recall a funny memory. Give yourself permission and the space to feel whatever comes, without judging yourself or the emotion. And also give yourself permission to feel happy.

Exercise your rights. You have the right to opt out of traditions. You have the right to decline invitations. You have the right to do something different or nothing at all.

Create a New Experience.  Sometimes, a change of venue or simply adding a twist to the usual celebration can feel liberating.

Remember that we are made to endure. We are designed to overcome hardships. The holidays might never be the same, but that doesn’t mean they will never be enjoyable.

Volunteer. Volunteering helps us connect with others. It can alleviate symptoms of depression and loneliness.

Know that you are not alone. No one has a perfect life, despite how it might look on the outside or what they project in public. Most of us are struggling with something. Some of us are trying to merely survive the season.

Deborah Dobbs, MA serves as Executive Director of The Counseling Place and has been part of the Richardson community since 1973. A published author of psychological thrillers (available on Amazon or directly from Anatolian Press LLC), she also has several screenplays in the works. Deborah loves scuba diving, fly-fishing with her husband, drinking Irish whiskey and smoking the occasional cigar. And if she loves you, she’ll cook for you.